Salaries: Right now we have government healthcare in the form of Medicare, and providers get paid about 20 cents on the dollar. I know what you are thinking, “That would be great! Players are paid too much already!” But, think about it. If people knew they were going to make substantially less for ANY profession, would the best talent go into that field? No. So, eventually there would be an erosion of talent and overall quality.
Equality and discrimination rules: We would have to make sure that ALL people are represented fairly in the new GFL. We would have to make sure that we didn’t discriminate based on such Neanderthal ideals as talent, or ability.
No fan left behind!: Of course with millions of fans not able to see games today in a stadium, we would have to first beef up the psychological benefit for the new healthcare system (see they could work hand in hand), because the mental anguish of being left out could be devastating! This is called PGS (post game syndrome). For a small co-pay there will be some kind of medication that will be able to be taken to numb the feeling of being left out. The government goal is to have government busses that will take people to and from the games, issue one government hotdog, and a beverage. This will be funded by taxing payroll of small businesses, and of course the wealthy!
Team Equality: Due to the mental stress and violence that some people display after a loss, all games will end in a tie. The team that was losing at the end of the game will be awarded “Obama points” to get them even with the insensitive overachiever team.
Uniforms: All teams will be issued government issue grey, green, or khaki colors in order to not offend anyone.
Team names: No team names will be allowed in order not to offend any group of people. After many millions of tax payor dollars, we have decided names are not necessary and will be replaced with barcodes. This allows the GFL treasury (IRS) to scan for proper taxation.
Cheerleaders: Cheering is permitted as long as equal time is given to both teams. Examples of GFL compliant cheers would be, “Go teams go!”; After a score, “…silence…”; After a fumble or interception, “Sharing is caring… YEAH!”. Before a cheer is uttered, people’s feelings must be considered. Also, it is no longer necessary to have rhythm, or the ability to speak to be a cheerleader in order to promote equality.
Length of game: Indefinite. This is to accommodate the new rules for play calling. (see play calling)
Play calling: Every play MUST be submitted in writing three days before the actual play will occur. The approval of said play will then be modified to comply with the new GFL standards and sent back to the huddle. Any deviation from the construct, design, or intentions of the play will result in a “deviation from GFL execution” tax. This will be assessed on the player(s) after the game is completed.
Penalties: The list of what is defined as a penalty will be expanded and included in the 1000+ page rule book that will be interpreted by legal teams at the conclusion of each game. The good news is that violations on the field will no longer result in extra yardage assessed to the violating team. It will result in more taxes. These extra taxes will be used to pay the thousands of extra government employees now needed to run the concessions, ticket windows, parking lots, and the ones that just stand with a government issue uniform and… well… “work” for the government.
Helmets and protective gear: The current NFL padding is inadequate. The helmets will be enlarged by 400% and equipped with GPS screens inside since the helmets will be too large to see out of. The pads will be accompanied with 45 lbs. of bubble wrap and the jerseys will be replaced with Kevlar (this is left over from military cutbacks). If the extra padding isn’t enough to protect from any unnecessary injury, we feel that the added weight should do the trick to slow down the players. In testing, a wide receiver’s 40 yard dash went from 4.3 seconds to 18 minutes. In one case the helmet was actually big enough to cause the player to stay in a head stand, creating a “Weeble” effect. This was a kicker, so it should have no effect on the game. The cost for each uniform will be $1.3 million which will just be printed off by the US treasury. We will figure how to pay for that later…
Instant replay: A questionable play will have to be submitted to the proper department for review. The result of this play cannot be revealed to anyone due to HIPPA (Hey It’s Players Privacy Act). The result will be a delay of game which creates a penalty! (YEAH!)
Names and Numbers (Players): Names will be replaced with “GFL Drone” and numbers will all be replaced with 75% to correspond with future tax bracket goals.
Seems farfetched doesn’t it, and maybe a little humorous… Unfortunately it isn’t farfetched or funny when it comes to healthcare. I know that what we have needs to be worked on, but you don’t treat a head cold with a lobotomy! In so many parts of the Bible the Israelites complained and complained until God gave them what they wanted. In most of those circumstances God rewarded them for their lack of appreciation, and Israel suffered through His judgment. Don’t let the greatest healthcare system in the world be turned into the GHU (Government Healthcare Unlimited) or (God Help Us)!
Labels: football, Obama care, Obamaball, taxes